Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
