dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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