Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
