do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
