is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
