if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
