Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
