he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
