I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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