my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
