He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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