dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
