sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
