my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
