the condom got lost in my hair
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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