You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
