So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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