**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
