How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
