We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
