Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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