very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
