sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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