forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
