Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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