Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
