I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
