ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
