Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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