Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
