Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
