what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
