i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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