I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
