That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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