i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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