see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
