you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
