Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
