im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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