i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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