Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
