and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
