see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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