I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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