ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
