I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
