Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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