I faked an abortion last night.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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