from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
